


14 steps Between Heaven and Hell (Kyuhyun p.o.v.)

by MoonlightVampiress



Series: 14 steps [1]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 07:53:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16384193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightVampiress/pseuds/MoonlightVampiress
Summary: Fourteen Steps.  Fourteen times that I will remember above all other times.  These steps are memories.  These steps are passion.  These steps are love.  These steps are heartbreak.   As he ascends towards his own personal heaven, I smile as I descend into my own person hell.





	1. Admittance

**Author's Note:**

> My challenge is to write a total of 14 chapters, 500 words each, and in first person point of view. This will be my first full attempt at 1st person without at some point making it switch to 3rd person and it will all be done from Kyuhyun's point of view. It is rated M for short and mildly descriptive smut, some angst (no worries I don't plan to kill any one) and some mild description of violence. Thank you. 
> 
> This story will have a switch Ryeowook and switch Kyuhyun. Ryeowook is slightly more dominate, but it doesn't really matter for this story.

Admittance.  It was such a scary thing for me.  I was the new member of a group full of rather attractive men.  How on earth was I supposed to keep everything to myself?  Would it be obvious that I checked each and every one of them out?  I couldn’t allow myself to be swayed by something like this.  I had to focus on my goal.  My goal was to become a singer and here I was starting to live out my dream.

There were ups and down, tragedies and miracles, but after the tragedy, I decided I didn’t want to die with my secret.  I had to tell someone.  I needed to tell someone.   It was one night.  There was a storm raging outside.  I had come home, tipsy, and barely able to handle all the thoughts in my head.  I was focused and looking for the one I knew I could trust.  The only person I would ever truly be able to trust.  My best friend… Ryeowook.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I told him.  I told him that I was gay.  I told him that sometimes I found it hard to not check out the members.  I told him how much it bothered me and I told him why I needed to get it off my chest.  I stared into his dark eyes, waiting... waiting for the disgust and rejection.  My mind desperately trying to wrap around the possibility that I was losing him this way and I would be forced to leave the group or forced to endure more ridicule.

Ok.

It was all he said as he stared at me with those same eyes.  Should I be freaking out?  The answer was so simple that it was almost more hurtful than if he would have spit in my face and called me an abnormality.   Was he not reacting worse because of the accident?  Is this... pity?   My inner battle had to have shown because he suddenly touched my face and told me to calm down.

What was actually happening in this moment?  He was comforting me and explaining that he'd always be my friend.  I could talk to him about it and ask for his advice.  My heart felt lighter and I grabbed on to him, crying.  He said nothing and his actions were simply to lightly hug me while I cried in his arms.  
  
The moment was so simple.  It was beautiful and humbling.  In my arms, I had the best friend in the entire world.  I no longer had to feel alone. I no longer had to hide myself from everyone.  I knew that he didn't have the same inclinations, but that didn't matter.  What mattered was that I had support in a world that would shun me simply because my preferences were different than others.  What mattered was that right now, I could be myself.  I could be Cho Kyuhyun and the only person I needed right now was Ryeowook.


	2. Crushes

The times passed and while I was nervous at first, I had soon realized that I had no reason to feel like that. The first time that I decided to talk to Ryeowook about something concerning my sexuality, it was my first crush. My first crush that so happened to be on another member of the group. My nervousness and fear had begun to take over once I started, but Ryeowook had merely smiled and encouraged me to relax and tell him.

My first crush was Heechul. How could it not be? The type of fanservice that Heechul performed was enough to make anyone question their sexuality and crave for just a moment to be one of his willing victims. Ryeowook had just chuckled and smiled knowingly which helped to calm my fears. Within no time, laughter had filled the small room as Ryeowook talked about Heechul making him question his own sexuality once or twice and that he might have had a little 'man crush' on him once.

Even though I knew he didn't mean it the way I did, the fact that he called it that made me even more at ease. I could only thank the heavens for blessing me with such a sweet understanding friend. After that, it became easier as I told him when I had crushes. He even teased me privately helping me get a bit closer to them without revealing anything. Everything would be passed off as he was annoyed or I had done something to provoke him, but the truth was he was helping me to get what I could.

I couldn't ask for a better situation and when we did fan service style games, he would pair up with me if he could or if I was uncomfortable. During this time, I ended up with crushes on several of the members, even the subunit ones: Sungmin, Leeteuk, Yesung, Donghae, Zhou Mi and even Eunhyuk. With Eunhyuk I had been surprised as I never looked at him like that until listening to Sungmin and Ryeowook talking about how he 'kissed' and watching the way he moved while dancing. There was no way that I couldn't have a crush on him.

Through each crush, there were moments of sadness and heartbreak. It usually happened when they were dating or when I got depressed knowing that they all preferred the company of women as opposed to me and my preference. Each time, I would secretly cry to Ryeowook. He would listen and offer advice, if he felt I was searching for it. If not, he just continued to listen to me and even encourage me to become as close as I could without stepping over a boundary if it would help. This is how I ended up teasing them more, drinking wine with Sungmin, and even finding myself on shows I had no interest in with Eunhyuk.

I will always be forever thankful for Ryeowook for helping me any time that I needed reassured.


	3. Comfortability

I was comfortable finally. What I mean to say is that I was comfortable in my own skin, with my own sexuality, and with talking about it. There was never a day that I couldn't complain about a crush or make some comment on how hot I thought someone was. My best friend listened to it all and even offered some of his own comments. Gradually, I began to forget a time when I was scared. Of course, he still teased me.

In radio shows, there were sometimes moments that I would let my true nature slip, but it was in a joking manner. In fact, I had learned how to make every bit of my nature into a joke and easily call it a slip of the tongue. I reveled in the feeling of being able to tell everyone who I was, relieve some of the pressure from my shoulders, and then to pretend everything was nothing more than being an 'evil maknae'. Ryeowook helped by mentioning things like me kissing him in his sleep among others. I could blush then, adamantly deny it, and tease him.

We've never kissed. To be honest, I have never kissed anyone or explored a relationship, because I knew what I was and never had the guts to actually act on it. Still, it was a great way for me to laugh it all off and pretend to be all uncomfortable about the situation. When we had a moment alone, I would thank Ryeowook for allowing me to let more of my secret out while still firmly remaining in the closet. 

My darling friend always smiled at me and told me it was his pleasure to help me out. I am pretty sure I was grinning from ear to ear each time that he said it, but he was never weirded out by it. He always told me it was nice to see me so enthusiastic and happy afterwards. I always responded with the fact that it was because of him that I could be like this. 

I always imagine the 'what ifs' of our situation. What if he had refused to remain friends with me? What if he had spilled my secrets to the entire world and left me alone and desperate? He could have taken everything from me in that moment. He could have taken my friends, my family, my sense of respect and so much more. With my confession, he could have blackmailed me and forced me to do things that I would have never wanted to do. He could have forced me to go to church, get an exorcism, or even physically hurt me to the point I wouldn't have been able to move.

None of that happened and I count each day like my own personal miracle. The thoughts always came up in the back of my mind, but as time kept passing, they started fading. As I said, I was finally comfortable with Ryeowook by my side.


	4. Falling in Love

I never noticed I had fallen in love, but I had.  It wasn't something that I planned to act on or really do much with, but even then it made things awkward for a while. My intentions weren't to avoid Ryeowook, but without knowing it, that is exactly what I had done.  Our conversations were less and less and I am pretty sure that I  had hurt his feelings on more than one occasion, but even with my apparent tantrum, he was still helping me through it.  
  
How?  
  
On one particular night, I had been drinking once again.  I told some guy that he was cute and couldn't be more thankful that he didn't recognize me or it would have been really bad.  Ryeowook had been sent to find me as no one had any clue where I was including the managers.  He found me laughing, proclaiming people as my brothers, and drinking quite heavily.  Without a word, he stopped me from drinking and expressed that he was going to take me home now.  I'm sure I put up a fight, but he didn't seem to care.  
  
Soon, we were finally back at the dorms and he took me to his room before making me sit down.  I said nothing as he helped me changed out of my current clothing and then proceeded to help me change into more suitable clothing to sleep.  Everything seemed like it was going to pass without incident, but then he asked me why I had been avoiding him.  In my inebriated state, I couldn't come up with a suitable lie.  
  
It was then I stated that I was in love. He didn't say anything as he waited for me to finish getting it off my chest.  My tears were pouring even more from my eyes and I confessed.  I confessed that I had somehow fallen in love with him and that I've been avoiding him because I knew he could never return my feelings in that way.  I didn't want him to feel awkward around me, and I didn't want to destroy my friendship with the first person who had ever accepted me completely, for who and what I was, without needing time to process everything.  I confessed that more than anything else, I was afraid to lose him by my side even if it was always to be 'just friends'.  
  
There were no more words spoken and once again all of those feelings and insecurities came rushing back.  I felt him move off the bed I was sitting on, but rather than leaving, he just hugged and kept repeating that it was ok.  He could only imagine how hard it was for me to actually be able to tell him that.  In his words, he made me promise to never hide something like that from him again.  He would always remain as my very best friend.  
  
I think I cried more as he laid down allowing me to fall asleep in his arms.


	5. Curiosity

My curiosity started one of many mornings that I'd wake up in Ryeowook's bed.  We didn't do anything more than sleep, and I wasn't complaining.  It was more than I could even hope to ask for from him.  There was already so much that I didn't feel I could ever repay him for, and this was just going to end up as another drop in the overflowing bucket of his kindness.  On this morning, I had woken up before him because of my dreams.

They were beginning to become more frequent now.  I started wondering what it would be like if I could date actually date him.  Would everything feel as amazing as I thought?  What would he like as far as more intimate things? Would he be a top or bottom?  The questions kept swirling around in my mind with new ones constantly being added.  These things weren't something I could experience and even if I was able to, would I want to experience them with someone who could never return my feelings the same way?

My eyes had been closed even though I've been awake all this time and finally I opened them.  I was greeted with the most gorgeous sight in the world, Ryeowook sleeping peacefully right next to me.  I couldn't help myself as I reached out and gently touched his face.  His skin was so soft and smooth that it made me want to just spend the entire day touching it.  If he woke up right now, I am almost positive that I'd pretend to sleep until he called me on it.  My thumb ran across his lips, tracing the petal soft, pink flesh in front of me.  His lips parted and it was so hard to resist the temptation to push my thumb inside.  

I couldn't help but to gasp when I felt the tip of his tongue on the pad of my thumb.  My gaze moved up from his lips to his eyes that were open and watching me.  We stared at each other before I felt his lips part even further, inviting me to do exactly as I was thinking, and press the digit into his mouth.   Biting my lip, I decided to accept his unspoken invitation.  I pressed my thumb between his lips.

Could I just remark on how incredibly erotic this moment was?  Here I was laying next to my first love, enjoying the soft, sweet silence, and the gentle look in Ryeowook's gorgeous eyes while slowly moving my thumb over his tongue and feeling the soft muscle moving with it.   I could feel myself breathing a bit heavier as I simply watched his face.  Ryeowook's eyes closed to half mast and it looked enticing.

I pulled my thumb from his lips and rubbed the saliva covered appendage over them.  What would it be like to kiss them?  I looked up into his eyes. I was shocked when he smiled and said it was ok.  I could experiment with him.


	6. First Kiss

Days had passed since Ryeowook had said I could experiment with him.  It had a strange feeling bubbling up in my chest.  I know that it was wrong to hope that something more would come out of it, but at the same time, it was an inevitable feeling of desperation that rose within me.  Was it wrong that I wanted to take advantage of his offer even though I knew that nothing good would ever quite come of it?  Should I truly pass up the chance to experience moments of pleasure with someone who I know wouldn't judge me if I was 'bad' at it?

With each passing day, I became more curious and more reserved.  My rational thought was leading me into the direction of never taking him up on that offer.  My increasing curiosity was telling me that it would be ok.  Ryeowook had done so much for me already and this was yet something else he was offering up.  Maybe... maybe it would be easier if I simply asked him why he would offer something like that to me when he wasn't of similar interests.

My nervousness almost came back when I went to ask, but I remembered that this was Ryeowook.  My promise to him was not forgotten as I suddenly spilled out the jumbled mess of my mind.  The look he gave me was one that I shall never forget in all my time on this earth. It was a mix of pure adoration and slight amusement.  The amusement was present because I seem to have forgotten that as his friend, he would always want me to be safe.  His explanation was that he cared for me and felt that my first anything should be with someone who will respect me and not mock me for my inexperience.  My firsts should be with someone who cared about me and it could be considered a bonus that I was in love with him as well.

These words made me stop and truly think on what he said.  I couldn't deny the truth in them and the apprehension that was building when I knew I was going to agree.  It was not like he was forcing me to take him up on the offer, but instead allowing me to explore these feelings even more freely.   He was not offering me a future riding off into the sunset, but a future where I wouldn't be nervous when the time came with my true partner.

My eyes meet those of Ryeowook's and I tell him I want to do it.  On that day, my voice came out shaky and I was stuttering as I asked if he would kiss me.  I wanted him to lead since he had more experience than me.  My heart was beating faster than ever as he approached me.  The feeling of his hand gently cupping my face and his breath on my lips sent shivers down my spine as he took my first kiss.


	7. First Exploration

After our first kiss, I was on some lower hanging version of cloud nine.  My mind was filled with endless possibilities of everything that I could experience following it.  Naturally, it had been rather awkward for me after that kiss.  Everything about it had been absolutely perfect, but I couldn't help but allow that little, tiny, sliver of hope to start to build.  We had kissed several times after that first one with him showing me different kissing styles and then instructing me to try them.

These kisses were like an opening of Pandora's Box.  I knew better and knew that I shouldn't keep this up.  Internally, I had been screaming for him to stop me, to kill my curiosity, and please send me away to the deepest pits of hell where I felt I belonged. For now that I had a taste, he made sure I was able to experience any moment I could.  I will never forget how he woke me up with a kiss, allowed me randomly pull him into kisses, and kisses filled with so much one-sided sexual tension that I thought I was going insane.

The evil sliver of hope was building.  I wasn't an idiot.  I knew that Ryeowook was making sure my first experiences were memorable, yet my feelings for him continued to grow.  I would complain to him about it and he would always say it was my decision.  If I thought it was too much, we could stop.  His words came with the reassurance that he was offering this to allow me a safe passage to explore.

First touches began the moment I had wanted to try something new.  I had been checking out men as usual when I wanted to know what it'd be like to fully touch another male and explore their body with my hands and lips.  What would it feel like to have my body explored in the same fashion?  At night, I had gone into Ryeowook's room like usual and explained what I wanted to try.  

As I stood their fidgeting and keeping my eyes closed out of habitual nervousness, I suddenly felt his presence so close to me. My shirt was sliding up my body and then tossed on the floor.  Next had been my pants that fell to my knees before I had been turned and pushed back on the bed.  Lying on his bed in only my boxers, I licked my lips in anticipation.  He touched me everywhere with touches both feather-light and rough.  His lips pressed down on my skin, kissing my erect nipples, parting to let me feel his warm breath, and then his tongue circled around them.   His tongue had licked various parts of me, but not my most intimate areas.

When we switched, I had explored every inch of his body.  Soft moans left his lips like they had left mine. Each touch and sound was like I was composing a symphony and Ryeowook was shaping into my masterpiece.


	8. First Peak

While exploration had never occurred as often as our kisses, it was frequent enough that I would barricade myself in the bathroom under the guise of having a stomach problem.  In truth, my body was filled with thoughts of Ryeowook and I sharing a moment of ecstasy simply by stimulating each other to the point of climax.  My furious self-pleasure motions were a testament to this fact.

Rather than ask this time, I had simply gone into his room and climbed on his bed.  His eyes had watched me before he  whispered, 'just try it'.   Before my nerves could come back full force, I found my hands pulling down his sleeping pants and boxers.

They were trembling with fear and anticipation. Questions were threatening to rear their ugly heads in a last chance effort to stop my body from stepping over the invisible boundary and to pay attention to the large, neon-green unicorn in the room, but I couldn't stop.  My hand gripped his arousal and began to stroke it as I watched his face.  Those same soft moans from our first ever exploration made themselves known and I could barely contain my happy feelings at the implied praise.

My thumb ran over the slit at the tip of his length spreading the clear droplets over the swollen head.  I was telling myself not to go further, but those thoughts were drowned out as I lowered my head.  To be honest, I couldn't tell you what on earth I was expecting from the taste, but I didn't mind it.  His moans were encouraging me. The alternating rubbing and pulling of my hair were instructing me to go faster, slower, suck harder, take him in deeper, and swallow.  When I finally sat back, I stared at him to commit this sight to my memory forever.  

I had been brought back to my senses when my legs were pulled and my feet resting on the floor.  You have no idea how wide my eyes had grown to see him slide between my legs amid my admittedly weak protests stating he didn't have to return the favor.  Have you seen how Ryeowook smiles? It lights up the entire universe in just an instant.  I was in awe of this smile as he told me that he wanted to return the favor.

A moan instantly left my lips and I had to remind myself that this was his first time doing this too.  I hated my traitorous thought that said it wasn't as I watched him lick all over my length and then easily take me down into his throat.  Each kiss, lick, and nibble was pulling me closer to the light at the end of the tunnel and my body began to tense.  I looked down and when I caught his eyes, lust-filled, pupils blown, and those sinful lips around my cock... I exploded shooting my seed down his throat as he swallowed it all before looking up at me licking his lips.


	9. First on Top

My mind was screaming as I woke up from a rather pleasant dream. I had been sleeping in my room because I felt like I was pressuring Ryeowook too much with my frequent desires to experiment. With each thing, I found myself becoming more comfortable with the sharing of my firsts with him. Was I taking advantage of him by agreeing? I wasn't sure to be honest. He had offered me the key to paradise. Wouldn't it be rude to refuse? I was torn between continuing with this strange yet beneficial friendship and stepping away before I left myself with no hope but to keep drowning.

Was the sun even shining the day I stopped him in the hallway? I don't remember. I only know that as I saw him walking towards the center room, I shouted my desire. I asked him if we could have sex. No one was home thankfully to hear me. He just stood there and I wondered if I'd finally crossed the line with my request while I watched him pull out his phone. My heart was beating so loudly that I didn't hear what he said nor did I pay attention to who he called. I had no idea of the expression that he wore on his face, then he turned around.

I fidgeted in my spot before he told me we will be leaving. I said nothing at all and did just that. Our first stop was a nice private dinner that I had enjoyed and our second stop was a nice hotel. The room was beautiful with fantastic view, flower petals, and it was rather huge. I was in awe of the room, while he set things up. 

I looked over to see him sitting there with the sweetest smile on his lips before going to the bed with my increasing nervousness. This was really going to happen. I was going to lose my virginity to the person I loved, to someone who at least cared for me. I looked into eyes asking if he was sure and his words of kiss me broke the last remnants of my self control. 

My lips were on his in an instant as I pushed him back on the bed. Everything up to now was on my mind as I stripped us of our clothing, pressed kisses to his feverish skin, nibbled on what I knew would be hidden, and touched every little bit of skin I could reach. I sat on my knees unsure of what to do next when he handed me a bottle. My breath caught in my throat as I watched him spread gorgeous milky white thighs, then instructed me on how to prepare him. The sensations were a blur as I followed his directions exactly. Soon, I was inside of him. Each thrust into him felt amazing, his moans, our kisses, the heat, our mutual climax, the soft kisses, cleaning up, and even cuddling while we slept. It was perfection.


	10. First on Bottom

The evening after I had taken Ryeowook, I was once again nervous. The hotel room was rented for the weekend and no one had cared since we were on a 'friends' vacation. Part of me wondered what they would do or say if they found out the true purpose was so that Ryeowook could fulfill my request without us getting caught. Everything was normal in the morning as though I hadn't tasted him and been inside of him just hours before. When I asked why he wasn't limping, he simply replied that it was due to the thorough preparation he instructed me on.

We had been discussing music and sitting on the sofa in front of the television when I suddenly kissed him. The kiss was sweet and went from timid to passionate in no time at all. I needed to know. I needed to know if it had felt as good as he made it seem last night and what I'd prefer. Was I a top or a bottom or did I prefer switching with the right partner? The words were rushed out of my mouth and I was sure that he was becoming and expert in deciphering my hurried speech.

My head was suddenly against the armrest and his tongue was in my mouth. Kissing was nothing new and yet this kiss felt more heated and passionate than the kisses we had shared before. The few articles of clothing that I had been wearing disappeared faster than I could follow in my lust induced state. He wanted to show me the roughness mixed with kindness that a lover would never show me again, even if I did and did not know it at the time.

Various areas of my body began to look like a piece of abstract art and I secretly wondered if he was doing this so I'd always remember even after the marks fade. I wouldn't know if that was his intention, but it was what I was going to choose to believe. We separated only a short moment and I wasn't even sure how I had ended up on the plush carpet of the hotel room. The carpet was as soft as the bed had been. I had looked up to see where he had gone to, and then he was back.

His lips were on mine stealing every ounce of breath that he could and his strong hands parted my legs. A cold touch was felt upon my entrance and soon his fingers were inside of me. The feeling wasn't bad, but I won't say it was the greatest either. The preparation was thorough, but not as much as my preparation of him barely twenty-four hours previous. A whimper left my lips when I felt him enter me. The entry was still painful and tears slowly slid down my face. The kindness came as he kissed them away, whispered reassurances, and then took me until our bodies became one beautiful explosion of pleasure.


	11. Radiant Protection

The moments after that weekend were almost a blur. I had my confidence, a beautiful smile that could blind almost anyone, and in the back of my mind, I had Ryeowook. The less nervous I became, the more I was fine with spending time with the others and friends. I could hide my true nature, because even after crossing that forbidden line, he was still there for me every step of the way. At certain times, I had suspicions and fears that he did hate me, but I brushed those away.

Aggression and passion can seem to be interchangeable when you are in love. My paranoia was brushed off when he kissed me. My irrationally racing thoughts were soothed when his arms wrapped around my waist. The fragments all reminded me of that weekend and the things I'd discovered about myself. Those questions that had built up beforehand didn't matter. I realized I'd switch depending on who I was with and what we both enjoyed.

I never noticed.

Instead, I craved our concerts, variety shows, and especially our Super Show performances because that meant he would be closer to me. We continued to sing together on stage and even to each other. I had to be careful, but it was becoming so hard to do so. There were times that I felt possessive of Ryeowook, pulling him away from the other members, and acting as though I had only wanted to say something.

He never said a word and I basked in his attentions, even if all he did was fix my hair. If at any point I ever felt uncomfortable or felt tension throughout my entire body, he'd pull the accidental offender away. I felt loved and protected. My mind was a swirl of colors in a prism of undeniable happiness and contentment. 

Why was it impossible for me to pay attention to him? 

I paid attention to our moments because I committed them all to memory. I paid attention to the way he smiled and looked at me with care, but did I really see anything? These doubts I never voiced because I was afraid of losing this almost euphoric state as he continued to assist me in viewing the world in a much less frightening manner. 

I know this was his personal way of protecting me, shielding me, empowering me to face each day with confidence. The fans continued to write stories about us and I admit, I've read several of them. I've laughed, cried, and even hated myself for the things that they had me do to him. I would never. I could never. 

I wanted -- no -- needed to continue in this already tragic fairytale of one-sided love and passion. I needed to feel as though the world around us was only a blip on the radar of this false paradise that continued to grow within my mind.

When he would protect me, I would see the stars, never noticing that he couldn't even see one.


	12. First Heartbreak

Thunderstorms are beautiful. The lightning and the thunder work together to create a beautifully frightening masterpiece that is to be enjoyed as well as feared. Do you know that saying about how the universe is only perfect to those that can not bear witness to its vast landscape of its endless darkness? No? Perhaps I just imagined that saying all on my own, but that is how I felt when I received the news. 

Suddenly, I was standing in the middle of a hurricane with the glass shards of my soul falling all around me. Ryeowook had been my first in so much, from kissing to sex, that it only made sense, he'd be my first in this as well. This is a memory that I cherish not for the feelings of intense pain and mental anguish, but because this is where I finally learned to open my eyes.

Tragedy. 

I had always referred to this as my tragic fairy tale, but the feeling of hope had resided so deeply within the confines of the fantasy in my mind that I had never truly stopped to consider it to its fullest extent. My body was frozen as I heard the words that came from his lips. I'm getting married.

To who? Why? How could he do this to me? My anger had taken hold of me and I had grabbed him, pressing my lips to his, prying open his lips with my tongue, and touching him to try and show how I was better for him. 

He let me.

His lips had easily returned the kiss from my lips and that is when the gravity of the situation hit me. Once I pulled back, I noticed the resigned yet fond look in his eyes. I couldn't accept it then. I refused to accept that he couldn't love me and yet rationally I had known that even before our very first kiss.

This wasn't a recent discovery, but it made me feel empty and worthless. As the feelings of depression began to disappear, they were replaced by jealousy and increasing anger.

Did she know? Did this woman that had captured my Ryeowook's heart know that he was always with me? What was I to him? Just some dirty little secret? A charity case? Practice for her?

I knew my thoughts were irrational and yet I could not stop the swirling mists of despair that surrounded me. I yelled the questions at him in hopes that the words managed to stab him like the blades I felt running through my chest. I wanted to hit him. I did and he never raised his hand to stop me. 

Dizziness wrapped me in its hold as I ran away from both my pleasure and my pain. I don't remember how I got home. Everything was centered around the mindset that I didn't want to lose him. I couldn't lose him. I needed to accept what was happening, but all I could do was cry.


	13. Acceptance

I'm not sure what to say about this memory as of now. I know I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, but at the same time I just felt lost. It wasn't like I didn't know the truth behind so many of our actions. I knew. I still know yet here I am hoping that he'll change his mind and accept that there was something tangible and beautiful between us. Rather than the calm, happy, bubbly feelings that I had been feeling before, my mind was now like a torture chamber and there was nothing that could be done except to continuously and painfully relive those moments over yet again. Ryeowook was leaving me. He was disappearing from me and I couldn't stop him. What right did I even have to stop him? 

All I keep remembering is how he sat there and allowed me to keep hitting him even if it might have bruised. Not once did he say anything in his defense and this only called more attention to the fact that I have been using him. It's hard for me to face my reflection in the mirror right now because I still want to be selfish. I know that he's possibly broken and crying. It's all my fault because I didn't pay attention or stop to consider how he might have felt.

Every last kiss, every beautiful moment that we shared together, it was all for me. Yet, what did I give him in return? I took the kindness he had bestowed upon me and exploited it because it made me feel better about myself, my situation. I act as though there was some incredible wrong done to me, but there wasn't and I think that hurts the most. My spirit nor voice had been broken and yet I let my curiosity, lust, needs, overshadow our friendship. Even knowing this, I don't think I can let him go, at least not completely. 

This feeling is like walking on a bed of hot coals burning from below and yet freezing from the waist up. Yet, I can't promise myself that I will not yet again ask more from him then he is able to give. It's like tasting a forbidden fruit, delving your tongue into its richness, enjoying the sweet flavor that you can taste nowhere else, and then being told no. He had done so much for me. Why was doing something for him even a question?

Once I was finally able to put aside my feelings of betrayal and anger, I had gone to see him. I told him to let me do this for him after he had sacrificed so much for me. I apologized for hitting him, lashing out at him, degrading him as though he wasn't worthy of the feelings and respect that he had continuously given me no matter what. Even with the pain coursing through my heart, I was going to give him what he had always shown me: Acceptance.


	14. Heaven and Hell

If I could tell you that everything ended here, then I would. I would tell you that I had found an inner peace in the time it took from my first words of admittance to my current smiling form standing by his side. I was smiling, yet it held no anger, no sadness, nothing. After all, I had already come this far and yet even as I supported him, I knew, we both knew, that it was nothing more than a mockery of friendship.

The strands of our friendship were nothing more than an illusion that had been perverted and broken down until finally there was only a dream. I wondered if it should all be a dream. My confession. His protection. What if he had never known my secret and never given me the opportunity to fall in love with him secretly, yet openly? Would I have tried on my own, to touch, get close, let a piece of paper drop so I could touch my lips to his? Would I have instead lived a life in constant fear with the inability to be comfortable in my own skin?

I wish I could tell you that as I saw her walking down the aisle, a smirk didn't flash momentarily on my face. For a brief moment, this union built on lies had offered me a tiny ray of amusement. She could never be what I am to him and yet even though I know it hurts him, he'd never completely leave me to myself. Did I mention that somewhere in the mix of light and darkness, in these events, that I realized I could never let him go?

This torture of watching him marry her, kiss her, and knowing that he would make love to her was only justified by the true outcome of this union. I was like a master magician and this was the one act that would solidify my name, not into the hearts of many, but in the heart of one. Without realizing it, my hesitation from years had melted away into a confidence admired by others and yet matched by no one.

My heaven was knowing that he'd still rush to be my savior even if that meant he continued to slowly die within. I should hate that. I should be ashamed of trapping him within the dark confines of a cell and never letting him see the light of the rising sun. Still, it was my heaven to know that even if she took his name, she could never have him as fully as she wished.

My hell was knowing that he would be with her, knowing that children might come from this fantasy. I hated knowing that what I would be doing would hurt him, and it was a torture upon my mind, but Ryeowook was mine even if he didn't want to be.

He would only get a glimpse of heaven as I pulled him down further into my personal hell.


End file.
